Pantheism in my Soul

As I near this last lap of this this term, with just a few classes left... and a whole lot of exams, it takes me by surprise the way this term has rushed by without me knowing. I wish I knew where it's gone and how... But then I guess that's the marvel of Time: It rushes by when you don't watch it...

Strangely now that I am here sitting thinking about it - in spite of all the crazy mad rush, all I feel is mellow happiness of having had a great term.

I didn't go home at all.. Not even once. By my standards, and past track-record, this indeed is an acheivement - for the same girl who used to run away home every other weekend, didn't go home in almost 3 months...

And so how do I feel...??

I feel wonderful. I feel light, and blithe and happy and feel like dancing with joy. I feel like swaying to the rhythm over-taking me, giving in to the ever-lasting peace I found within.

This has been a time of exploration and I have found peace. This has been a time of coming to terms with myself, with all within and without... And I've found peace and life and joy and vibrant exuberance all in few moments of healing peace, as the I melted into the stars and the skies and cool air and became one with Nature. The green grass, the trembling leaf, the sliver of moon, the silver-tipped clouds... All beckon to me till I fuse into them

And then I want to scream with the sheer exhillaration of the moment and just wonder if I can ever give back to the world in some way some part of this calming splendour that I have found...

Reminds me of my one of my favourite poems...

"For oft when on my couch I lie,
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon the inward eye,
Which is the bliss of solitude,
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils."

(William Wordsworth, Daffodils)

Today in the afternoon, I missed a class... And so I went for a walk. I ambled along the familiar road, feeling the wind against my face. The sky was cloudy, with the sun sometimes peeping through in a soft, pale, warm curtain... The wind was strong and raked the dry leaves tumultously... I could see the hills far away, a thin veil of white fog hung round it... And then there was the lush green... With the wind came a smell of earth, and I knew it was raining somewhere... The damp, sweet smell.. so familiar...

Reminded me of home, of hot summer days when the heat would build up into unbearable suffocation.. and then suddenly, from somewhere the rage of the wind would swoop in... Mastering the tall trees, the sturdy iron bill-boards it would play havoc... As I would rush to close the windows before the glass shattered into pieces, the sweet smell would come and fill my soul.. the sweet smell that would fill my soul, .. the sweet smell of two elements that make most earth... from which I have been born...

And cold rain would come slicing down... Large, pelting drops.. and sometimes I would skip onto the terrace, letting the first few drops of water wipe away the heat, the dust, the grime and clean me to the very soul... And then, while I would scramble back to my room after a holler from my mother, suddenly for a split-second the room with the flash of lightning... and the deep rumble would soon follow...

The glory of Nature in all her magnificence...

Right now, sitting here as I am, I'm listening to this Rabindra Sangeet. And as miraculous as the poems/songs of Tagore are, the song seems to re-echo the way I feel about nature… And so, I’d like to share the words with you. It’s a very well-known song… Just that it touches my soul… Here is the song:

"Boro aasha kore eshecchi go kaache deke lao, phirayo na janoni,
Deen-o-heen-e keho chaahe na, tumi taare raakhibe jaani go.
Aar aami je kicchu chaahi ne, charono tole boshe thaakibo,
Aar aami je kicchu chaahi ne, janoni bole shudhu daakibo,
Tumi na raakhile, griho aar paahibo kothaa,
Kende kende kotha beraabo?"

A translation for those who do not know the song or do not understand Bengali:

I've come to you with great hope - accept me. Don't turn me away, my mother. Nobody wants the poor, the sad, the fallen; but I know you will accept them and make them your own, and keep give them a place within your heart. I do not want any thing more than to be able to sit at your feet, worship you and call you 'mother'. If you do not keep me, where will I ever find a home, a place where I accepted? I will have to roam the world to find place for myself, where I am accepted, and where will I ever find such a place? I will never find such a place, and will forever remain hurt and crying.

May every soul find peace in Nature when he can’t find within.

All Children Grow Up. All, except One.

I was brought up on Peter Pan - I think it started with the collection of Disney books I had.. correction, my sister had, and which was handed down to me. I still remember most of them - Snow White and The Seven Dwarves - Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy, .. forgotten the rest of the names. And then there were the Aristocats .. I used to love the cute little white girl-cat with the pretty pink bow on the collar and lovely long lashes.. The prince in Sleeping Beauty was oh-so handsome, (the next most handsome Disney fairy-tale prince after Cinderella), and then Mowgli and Baloo in the Jungle Book using fire to defeat SherKhan. Of course Bambi was a darling, as was the cute little bunny friend, Pooh, Tigger, Eeyore and Piglet and ofcourse Christopher Robin..

And then there was Peter Pan. I still recall the large yellow hardbound book, with Pan's picture on top - wearing his green suit, and feathered hat and the flute in his hand... And of course Captain Hook. I think I fell in love with him totally when I read the unabridged version by J.M. Barrie.

"All children grow up. All except one." That was the first line of the book. And ever since I've always wanted to fly beyond the stars, beyond the sunset - right into Neverland. I can still close my eyes and imagine the pool of shapeless colours that grows vivid till it dances in the flames, and then disappears before I can glimpse the beauty beyond.

Sometimes I like to believe that within everybody there is a part which never grows up - only some people grow up more than others, and some like me don't grow up at all. I like the thought of growing up - of doing so many things, of falling in love and being with the man I love, of so many nice things that would happen to me, so many beautiful places that I would go to... But if you are observant, you'd understand that to me this is the future, the things yet to come. Somewhere in my mind I haven't yet grown-up and somewhere within me I never will.

"Dreams that in their kernels sleep" - that's my life... Perhaps someday I will have grown up, and someday I'd do all the things my heart desires - after all, "To live would be an adventure"....

Adding my favourite Nursery Rhyme

Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Up above the world so high ,
Like a diamond in the sky.

When the blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle all the night.

Then the traveller in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,
If you did not twinkle so.

In the dark blue sky you keep,
And often through my curtains peep,
For you never shut your eye,
'Til the sun is in the sky.

As your bright and tiny spark
Lights the traveller in the dark,
Though I know not what you are -
Twinkle, twinkle little star.
_____________________________

Thanks JFK for showing me the way when things were dark for me -
You'll always be my star!

When I Come Around

Ok, this GreenDay song reminds me of myself and my relationhip with my blogs (yes, I have two blogs and both are in shambles!!!) Not that I don't enjoy blogging - no thank you, but I really love blogging, writing and letting go... But it's not always that simple...

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that I am here, back again to toture you guys.. (That is assuming I have some readers!)

So let's see...

What do I do these days when I find some time from my quizzes and submissions and presentations... Read books??? Well, I sure can't sleep without reading a good few pages, but honestly most of the times I'm just too tired to concentrate on the words.

Reading is relaxing ... at the same time there's so much more to reading than just assimilating the words... A book is there to make you dream and imagine and run away to a different world, to make you wonder and think and go to places you've never been and see things you have never seen. But unfortunately I just usually am too tired to read as much as I would have liked to.

And so these days, I've been watching movies... Sometimes there's nothing like just switching your mind off and staring at some vague people on the screen... Of course, once in a while you come across a great movie that makes you think and feel.. Like 'Remember the Titans'... Wonderful movie! But then, as I said, only once in while and for the better part you just are looking at the shadows like an idiot (hence the term, idiot box, I expect)

Some times I wonder which affects me more - a good movie or a good book?

I know movies are easier to relate to.. to see.. but at the end of the day, a book is so much more vivid - where the mind can picture the way it wants things to be to appeal to the reader.. In fact I remember seeing the movie of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" (Roald Dahl) ...

An excerpt from the book...

"There!" cried Mr. Wonka, dancing up and down and pointing his gold-topped cane at the great brown river. " It's all chocolate! Every drop of that river is hot melted chocolate of the finest quality. The very finest quality."...

What does a 10-year old reading this imagine??? Especially a 10-year old like I was - crazy about chocolate??? I'll tell you what I thought ... I thought of a river of the darkest brown bitter chocolate... falling in a gooey sticky thick viscous manner ... I'd imagine dipping my finger into the river.. just a little bit of my little finger and that would be enough to transport me to heaven...

For readers who imagine the same - NEVER EVER see the movie... Ugh! I feel so awful just thinging about it... Gimme my book any day... What do you guys have to say???